I don't like les Américains !
Kirsten, Camille, Peter, Charles, Courtney (and the others...), you know that's not true and that after all, I kinda like you all, f***ing Americans, but that's the only entrée en matière I found to write my first post in English. Cause yeah, I'm quite sure my numerous fans around the World were pretty frustrated until now, not being able to understand my witty and so funny prose in the Langue de Molière. So here you are, bloody Anglo-Saxons and other non-French speakers!
So, why do I (pretend to) dislike Americans? (I'm sure I could have found even more reasons if I had seen Two Days In New York...)
1/ Because they speak so loudly. Why is that? Is it due to the bad genes of some deaf Irish immigrants that landed on the other side of the Atlantic two centuries ago? To the immensity of their territory? To the profound void between their two ears? I wonder...
In any case, if you hear a loud voice in a Paris bus asking the 100% French-speaking chauffeur how to get to the Champs-Elysées and wondering why this rude Frenchman keeps saying "Je comprends rien ducon, sors de mon bus !", be sure you've come across an American tourist. This same American, thinking everyone on the planet masters the language of his mighty Empire, will naturally ask every pedestrian he'll come across the same questions, to which he will, again, get no answer (then deducing French are arrogant, mean, sufficient and... dirty - yeah, no reason, but they all think we are dirty!).
But no, Uncle Sam, French people are not THAT arrogant (hum, hum). They just don't speak English! Our Presidents and CEO's and intellectuals don't speak a fucking word of the Langue de Shakespeare. So how do you expect random Parisians to do so? And in any case, you don't need to yell cause it doesn't help us understand what you're trying to say!
2/ Because they are "too much". "Amaaaaazing!!! Oh my God!!! Woooow!!! Gosh!!! I can't believe it!!!! Jeeeeeesuuuuuuuus Chriiiiist!!!!" In France, when you utter those words with such emphasis and happiness on your face, it's only when you've won the lottery (and the big prize indeed!). Actually, we would probably use the following words (which I will not translate): "Putaiiiin ! Oh la vache !! Merde alors !! Bordel à queues !!"
But in America, apparently, this enthusiasm can be displayed at any occasion: when receiving an ugly necklace from your niece for X-mas, when seeing a guy farting on TV, when witnessing a plane hitting a tower, when shitting maybe, too...
So yeah, enthusiasm is great, we need some in our life (especially in mine I guess), but too much enthusiasm kills enthusiasm, my dear American friends... OK, I must admit, I love it when I'm in the US and when a cashier at the supermarket asks me how I feel, tells me that she loves my T-shirt and asks me where I bought it (she doesn't care at all about my health and she will never go to the store where I bought my T-shirt, but that's the good intention that counts). A clerk in a shop in Paris asking me "how are you doing, Sir?" would surely be met with incredulous (if not killer) eyes... So maybe enthusiasm is not so bad after all...
3/ Because they believe in Good and Evil. In God I don't trust. This being said, you can imagine the gap between me and an average American. I don't understand a country (whether it's the US, the Vatican or Saudi Arabia) that places God at the heart of its institutions and philosophy.
Worst of all, some Americans seriously think (I guess W was one of them) that God has a mission for them: clean the World from Evil. So they fight Evil (one day called Saddam, the other day Usama, Jong-Il or Mahmoud - Yeah, Evil often sounds arabic or at least exotic) in the outside World but most often forget to fight their own devils inside: Sarah Palin, Chuck Norris, Ku Klux Klan, Britney Spears, gun fanatics, Oprah Winfrey, death penalty supporters and so on... Dear brothers, let me pray for you, hoping one day you'll be freed from all those sinners.
4/ Because their women (and baby girls) all look like Barbies. Whether they come from Hollywood or Kansas City, from NYC or Little Rock, most American women today tend to have fake square nails, botoxed foreheads, big silicon boobs, snow-white teeth, awful perm hairdos and ugly New Balance shoes. Where the hell did they learn fashion there? Worst of all, they think they look glamourous like that! And so, they are teaching their 3 year-old daughters to look exactly like the whores they're impersonating.
You don't believe me? Have you ever watched "Toddlers and Tiaras"? Worst TV show ever! In which you can see obese, redneck American mothers forcing their ugly babies to participate in beauty pageants. During those competitions, the babies are dressed with purple or pink princess dresses and forced to wear wigs, plastic nails and two kilos of make up on each cheek. The result? A whore défilé in front of a public of sexually and intellectually frustrated mothers encouraging their daughters to behave as the submissive doll society expects them to be all their life. Amazing !!!! (et pour ceux qui connaissent pas encore ce programme culte, ça passe maintenant en France sur TMC, NT1 ou une autre chaîne TNT pourrie de ce genre !).
No, really, someone has to give this people a certain sense of fashion. Let's send them Carla, FOR EVER!
5/ Because they're number 1. Yeah, France is the 5th most powerful nation (or so it says) in the World. And the US are in pole position. And we hate winners. Cause we're jealous of them. And we know that we'll never beat them, that we'll never have a black President, that we'll never produce funny sitcoms, that we'll never go to the Moon, that we'll never win a war on our own, that we'll never have a French Steve Jobs and that we'll never win the most gold medals at an Olympics... Sigh...
So, at the end of the day, I can't really say that I don't like them. The truth is, it's just a people we love to hate! :)